


My Brilliant Friends

by AllenbysEyes



Series: How to Love [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Literary references and allusions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-16
Packaged: 2019-07-29 06:41:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16258763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllenbysEyes/pseuds/AllenbysEyes
Summary: Sequel to The Apartment. It’s fall: Lapis and Peridot have been together for several months, but they’re still working out the kinks in their long-distance relationship. Peridot struggles to acclimate to her new job, Lapis becomes politically active and both continue wrestling with their demons - apart, together and otherwise. Meanwhile, Pearl’s life in Jones Bluff becomes more complicated as she grows closer to Amethyst...and when Rose Quartz makes an unexpected reappearance.





	1. Shards

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my new fanfic! I was really flattered by AO3's response to "The Apartment" earlier this year, and felt like revisiting that universe. It's strongly recommended you read "The Apartment" first, though hopefully not required, as I'll allude to, and build from events from that fic. For those who've been reading "The Black Book of Pearl White," rest assured I'm not done with that just yet!
> 
> Special thanks to DreamlandB for her help planning this chapter.

Amethyst woke up just after 1:00 am.

Monday morning. That was fine because she wasn’t working until Wednesday, and she didn’t care much if she couldn’t sleep on her night off. But she wasn’t one to toss and turn in bed; she preferred to  _do_ something.

She turned on her television and flicked past a few things - mostly reruns of ancient sitcoms (sadly, no “Little Butler”), paid programming, sports highlights and, to her amusement, an evangelical station where a priest gave a slide lecture explaining how Bigfoot and Mokele M’bembe proved the existence of God. She watched the latter for a few amused minutes before flicking over to HBO, where she caught the last fifteen minutes of a superhero movie she’d seen twice before.

Unsatisfactory. She turned off the television and laid on her mattress, staring at the ceiling. Now she was wide awake with no idea what she might do.

Next door, Garnet was sound asleep. Somehow, despite a stressful job, she never suffered from insomnia, or if she did she did a great job hiding it. Of the three of them, Garnet easily seemed the best-adjusted, not to mention the most successful. And Amethyst envied her that, no matter how much Garnet told her not to.

Pearl, downstairs, was probably tossing and turning and dreaming about Rose again, like she seemed to do every Sunday night.

Amethyst sighed. Sunday nights always brought out the worst in Pearl. Made her melancholy and reflective. She managed her demons well-enough most of the time, managing to appear content, or even happy on occasion. But something about the end of a weekend, the bleak prospect of a long week ahead put her into a funk.

Amethyst had known Rose a little bit. They’d met when she and Pearl . And Rose impressed Amethyst with her. She was such a fun, lively woman that it was hard to think of her and Pearl togther. But somehow, they clicked, even though Rose clearly dominated the relationship, through sheer force of personality if nothing else. Pearl always seemed happy to go along with whatever wild adventure (a concert? a hiking trip? heck, they went clubbing more than once, and could you imagine Pearl in a club?) she conjured.

Indeed, that’s what bothered Amethyst about their pairing. Not that Rose didn’t seem nice or fun (under different circumstances, Amethyst could imagine her and Rose being close friends), but that theirs wasn’t a relationship of equals. Pearl deferred to Rose too easily, didn’t challenge her in any way. Always seemed content to be the follower, never the leader. She was a pushover. Except when she perceived a threat to Rose, or their relationship, in which case she became reckless and defensive.

It wasn’t a side of Pearl that Amethyst liked. Pearl in her default mode - smart, haughty, pedantic, superior - irritated Amethyst more often than not. But at least that was her. The Pearl who hung out with Rose...didn’t seem like Pearl. Just Rose’s girlfriend, a tall, pretty redhead on the older woman’s arm.

And that’s what upset Amethyst. Because for all her irritation with her roommate, she really liked her, and knew there was an awesome, productive person striving to get out. She just needed a nudge to be the best Pearl possible. But Rose, whether consciously or not, worked against that.

And Amethyst, though she never said anything, hurt inside every day Pearl and Rose were together. Because she _knew_ it wasn’t right.

And she felt that way long before Pearl found out the truth about Rose. That Rose was married, that she had a kid. And then she and Pearl had a fight, and Rose ran off, never to be seen again. Leaving Pearl a miserable wreck, crying herself to sleep and openly wondering whether she had any value by herself.

Amethyst knew how _that_ felt.

She’d been adopted as a toddler after her dad left and her mom died, raised in foster homes she invariably hated - all middle class, do-gooding white families who seemed more interested in looking like generous people than actually helping Amethyst. She got in fights in school as a little girl, one of which resulted in her planting a pencil in a bully’s eye during an argument, a gruesome incident which resulted in her expulsion from school.

Not that she cared - learning the three R’s meant nothing to a girl as broken and lonely as Amethyst. Mattered less than the lashing with a belt administered by her foster dad, the verbal insults from her foster mother, the shouting match culminating in the inevitable proclamation that they weren’t her parents and to fuck off. She got into trouble with drugs and bullying at different times, washed out of community college, and struggled to keep herself afloat, adopting defiance towards the world as her attitude, in place of true self-worth. 

She tried to find solace where she could, but it was hard. She couldn't imagine herself as a criminal, even if she got up to some petty, immature shit in her teen years. She tried immersing herself in religion, but couldn’t square any faith with the idea that she, with her fluid sexuality, was an abomination both created and spurned by God. Politics? Well, she was plenty angry, but her thoughts didn't go much deeper than that. No clubs or social groups to speak of, since her hobbies mostly consisted of watching TV and eating junk food. Her family didn't exist, so far as she was concerned. 

She could, however, find solace, in her friends. People who accepted her for who she was without question. And that’s what she found with Pearl and Garnet.

 _Especially_ Pearl.

Then Amethyst's stomach growled. And her mind momentarily wandered elsewhere. 

* * *

She'd crept downstairs into the kitchen, as stealthily as she could. Which meant that she stumbled over her ankles and strained against the banister, cursing under her breath. Then stumbled into the kitchen, feeling towards the refrigerator. 

“Amethyst!” a familiar voice cried.

Amethyst focused her eyes through the dim light. Pearl was in the middle of washing dishing, with a drinking glass in one hand and a wash cloth in the other. Her pink-red hair was poofed out into a frizzy mess; Amethyst had to admit that Pearl looked a lot hotter that way. 

“Can’t sleep again, huh Pearl?” Amethyst muttered, reaching past her towards the fridge.

“No, I just needed to finish some chores,” Pearl lied, focused intently on the glass in her hand.

Amethyst grunted and looked in the fridge, fishing through some of the drawers without finding anything tasty.

"Even a nerd doesn't need to do dishes at one in the morning," Amethyst said, brushing her hair from her eyes as she reached for a kitchen cabinet. 

“What are _you_ doing up?” Pearl demanded, scrubbing obsessively at a speck of dirt on the rim of the glass. She barely noticed as Amethyst pushed past her. 

“Same as you,” Amethyst thought. “Sunday night...can't ever sleep.”

“Sorry to hear that,” Pearl said, not really paying attention. 

"It's a curse," Amethyst continued, grabbing a bag of chips from the cabinet and sitting at the table. She started munching them straight out of the bag as Pearl, visibly irritated, set the glass down and moved on to the next one. 

"Would you like something to drink?" Pearl asked.

"Maybe when I'm done," Amethyst said through a mouthful of crumbs. 

"That's disgusting," Pearl muttered. Though she wasn't really paying attention; she was again ensconced with the dishes. 

"You knew what I was like when we moved in together," Amethyst said, wiping her hands on a paper towel. 

"Guess that one's on me," Pearl said, trying to lighten the mood. 

Amethyst stood up and moved past Pearl, grabbing the glass she'd just watched with a playful smirk. Pearl scowled at her but didn't say anything, instead watching as she poured herself a glass of chocolate milk.

"You _really_ don't have to do that now, P," Amethyst muttered quietly. 

"Tell that to the voices in my head," Pearl said.

She tried to make it sound like a joke, but it didn't come across that way. The words were suffused with pain and frustration. And self-loathing.

Pearl's default mode. Which instantly put on Amethyst on guard.

"Those glasses can wait until morning," she said quietly, watching her friend. 

"Yeah, but it's gonna bug me if they aren't clean. And the last thing I need is dirty dishes keeping me up..."

"Something tells me those dishes aren't what's keeping you up..." Amethyst pressed.

Pearl's face flinched into an angry frown. She started squeezing the glass in her hand.

"If it's not them, it's something," Pearl said, not looking up. "This apartment gets so dirty, no matter what I do..."

"Pearl, I know you're...that you get this way sometimes but..."

Amethyst stopped herself. She didn't feel like it was the appropriate time to press Pearl on how she handled stress, even if it seemed pointless and counterproductive. So she backed off. 

For now. She made a mental note. 

"Must have a bad week ahead at the library, huh?" Amethyst asked, taking a sip of her milk. 

"Just the usual," Pearl said, moving on to a plate. "You'd think things would drop off after the summer ends, but no! It's just older patrons, and those aren't as...they aren't always as easy to handle as the kids who come in in the summer. As counterintuitive as that may be."

"Yeah, old geezers can be tough," Amethyst sympathized.

"Not even 'geezers,'" Pearl responded, putting the plate away and moving on to a coffee mug. "I mean, I don't mind seniors that much. They're usually nice, just a little confused and need some extra help and I don't mind that so much. I mean, just...you know, adults. Adults who are angry that you don't have the latest James Patterson book, or who want to scream at you because you have books that make Donald Trump look like an idiot...as if he doesn't do that himself...Or because our annual book sale got cancelled or because they can't find parking or...You know."

"Bullshit," Amethyst affirmed.

"You said it, not me," Pearl said, allowing herself a slight smile. 

She went to put down the mug, but didn't. And kept scrubbing, clutching the handle tight. 

Amethyst watched, nervous and unsure how to interrupt, as Pearl kept cleaning. 

"Well, I've only got three work days this week," Amethyst said, trying to lighten the mood. "A full shift on Wednesday and two late shifts Friday and Saturday. I mean, I hate working on Saturday but you know, it's better four hours then than..."

"Yeah," Pearl agreed. "I always hate when I have to work Saturdays..." 

Amethyst started to say something, but again noticed the pained expression on Pearl's face. 

"At least the weather's supposed to be nice this week," Pearl said. "Indian Summer, or whatever the politically correct term for that is..."

"Yeah. Maybe we can go for a walk or something on Saturday before I go to work," Amethyst offered.

"That would be nice," Pearl agreed. 

"And we could invite Garnet along," Amethyst added.

"Sure." Pearl's face had the tiniest, most pinched smile possible.

"Your vacation's coming up soon, huh?" Amethyst asked, starting to close the potato chip bag. 

"Second week of October," Pearl said.

She finally put the mug down, to Amethyst's relief, and grabbed another glass. Amethyst took a long drink of her milk as Pearl went to work on that one, then walked over to the cabinet and put the bag away. She stood next to Pearl for a moment, staring at her hands as they meticulously, obsessively, scrubbed and re-scrubbed her glass. 

"I'm glad," Amethyst said. "Time off will do you good. Give you some time to chill. I mean, relax a little. You need it."

"I'm fine," Pearl insisted. 

"Not saying you're not," Amethyst lied, trying to tread carefully. "It's just, I mean, sometimes it doesn't seem like...you don't do a good job of relaxing at the end of the day."

Pearl shot her an indignant look, her hands automatically continuing to clean. 

"Like, you come home exhausted and tired out and the first thing you do is do the dishes. Like now. And then some project to keep you busy most of the night..." 

"I wouldn't need to do them if you'd just do them while I was away." 

"Pearl, like, I do the dishes every day I don't work! Me or Garnet..."

"Obviously you don't do a very good job."

"What?"

"Why do you think I need to do them?" Pearl said, walking past Amethyst and grabbing her now-empty milk glass of the table. "I come home and take a look at the, quote, unquote, "clean" dishes you've done and they're always smeared and covered with crust and gunk."

"I'm sorry I'm not an expert like you," Amethyst huffed. "Jeez! Just trying to help."

"Because obviously I need help," Pearl complained, starting to raise her voice.

"I didn't mean it like that," Amethyst said. She sighed. Pearl was being deliberately difficult, now, and Amethyst didn't feel in the mood this late.

"That's not...Pearl, you know it's not..."

"Not what?" Pearl demanded.

"I just meant..." Amethyst began. 

"Just because I take things seriously doesn't mean that I can't relax." 

"Pearl, that's...that's not what I said at all."

"Hmm. I guess I could spend all my free time goofing around like you."

"Goofing around? I work as hard as anyone here!"

"If you call what you do work."

Amethyst's mouth dropped open. She couldn't believe what Pearl had just said. 

"Low blow, Pearl," she said quietly. "Fucking low blow."

"I'm just saying, saying 'Do you want some fries with that?' isn't the most challenging job on the planet..."

"Well, la dee da, Princess Library! I'm sorry I wasn't smart or rich enough to get a Masters Degree in Handing Goosebumps Books to Kids!"

"There's a lot more to it than that, and you know..."

"Well, I don't like working in a fucking fast food place, but if you think it's as easy as just handing somebody a bag of food..."

"Maybe if you applied yourself a little bit more..."

"Jesus fucking Christ, Pearl! None of this prosperity gospel Mitt Romney bootstraps bullshit. You fucking know better. Just because I'm poor doesn't mean I don't want to work. It doesn't mean I don't work hard when I get a chance. It doesn't mean I don't have fucking value! And you stand here and say..."

Amethyst was interrupted when she heard a loud crinkling noise. She looked down and saw that Pearl's hand covered with blood.

It took her a moment to figure out that Pearl had squeezed the glass so hard she'd broken it.

It took Pearl a moment longer. 

* * *

 

 

Pearl watched, her face full of regret and pain, as Amethyst gingerly wrapped her hand in a line of gauze. 

"Thanks, Amethyst," Pearl said. 

“You must be really stressing about something,” Amethyst said softly.

“Oh, the usual,” Pearl said, her voice a strangled pout. “I'm sorry about...what I said."

"It's cool," Amethyst lied, though she still simmered with anger at Pearl poor-shaming her. 

"Well, it's nice of you to say so...but it's not cool. You're right. I know better than to say things like that."

"You do when you're thinking straight," Amethyst said, swallowing her resentment. "You don't always know better when you're angry." She let a beat of silence pass. "Or sad."

Pearl let a sob catch in her throat.  

"You know how I feel sometimes...”

“Yeah...” Amethyst left her affirmation hang in the air.

“I wish I could stop thinking about her...” Pearl admitted, bending down to clean up the shards of mug.

And Amethyst instantly knew who she meant. 

"It's been almost a year now and I still haven't...Why is it so hard? What's wrong with me?"

Pearl looked on the verge of tears. But she was too sad, too defeated to cry. 

"Nothing's wrong with you, P," Amethyst said, putting an arm across her shoulder. "Somebody you cared about left you and treated you like shit. I mean, if someone did that to me...Well, I'd probably track them down and beat the living shit out of them." She illustrated with a swing of her fist, making Pearl chuckle.

"But I don't know if that would help. I'd still feel the same way as you do...Because it's not easy to let those things go."

"It's just...I gave up almost everything I had for her..." Pearl said. "And look where it got me. And what do I have left?"

She sighed and buried her head in her hands, rubbing her temples. 

Amethyst started to say something, hesitated. Feeling a lead weight on her chest, in her mind, something telling her: _This isn't the time_. 

But her friend seemed so sad, so empty, that she needed something.

"Well...it got you here. With me."

Pearl shot her a quizzical look, a mixture of a million repressed feelings she couldn't possibly articulte. 

“Do you feel...I mean, do you think you need...?” Amethyst couldn’t wrap her tongue around the words, feeling the awkwardness heavy in the air.

Pearl stared at the floor, as if contemplating something distasteful. Which, Amethyst supposed, she was.

Finally, she clamped her eyes shut and murmured...

“That would only make things worse.”

Which hurt Amethyst more than she could express. She flushed and turned away from Pearl, crossing her arms. She felt a swell of anger in her chest, but managed to fight it down.

“P...you don’t need to pretend with me,” Amethyst said, struggling to need. “It’s not a big deal. It’s never been a big deal. It’s just...sometimes you need somebody, you know? And I’m here. I’m always here when you need me.”

Then her voice practically broke as she muttered:

“Just like you’ve always been there for me.”

She started towards the stairs, when she felt Pearl’s hand on her shoulder. And her anger melted away.

Without turning to face her friend, she clasped hands with her, gently directing Pearl’s hand down past her hair, down her shoulder, below her neck, until Pearl started massaging her skin. And felt Pearl’s other arm draw around her waist, enveloping her in indescribable warmth.

Amethyst hesitated just a moment, then let in a deep, trembling breath. Then closed her eyes and gently kissed Pearl’s wrist.

* * *

Amethyst opened her eyes again. 4:00 am. Just a few hours until Pearl needed to wake up.

She craned her head towards the window, but it was too dark to see anything outside.

She felt Pearl’s head in her chest, a blissful smile on her face. Amethyst gently brushed her reddish hair as she slept, watching in amusement as Pearl’s features flicker through emotions she always struggled to express while awake. Feeling the warmth from her body and the beating of her heart, initially rapid, now slow, steady and calm.

Amethyst knew that when Pearl woke up she’d untangle herself from Amethyst’s embrace with a hint of embarrassment, prepare for work and leave without so much as a goodbye kiss. And they would never speak of it, leaving Amethyst sad and resentful and a little disappointed that Pearl seemed ashamed of what they did. Ashamed of her.

But Amethyst always tried to live in the moment. And _this_ moment, right now, was incredible.


	2. Consciousness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: insurance talk and politics ahead!

Peridot stared at her computer screen for an eternity.

Blankness stared back.  

Numbers. Endless numbers.

Procedure codes for everything from a sprained ankle to killer whale attacks. Allocated insurance payments, deductibles. Codes for providers, for medications used, for in-patient status.

Medical billing. What fun. 

Especially  _this_  case, which she'd already dealt with repeatedly over the past few weeks...

And it was Monday. So,  _five more days_  of this shit. 

All of which seemed painfully familiar. A lot like what had driven her from her last job. Only she didn't have to talk to patients and clients and endure semi-coherent shouting matches over the telephone...

...As much. She still did, sometimes. And always over the stupidest things imaginable, things that would be easily resolved of some people would, if somebody would care. And sometimes it seemed like she was the only one who did. 

She sighed, pressing her forehead against the screen, trying to think of happier subjects. 

"Peridot, did you figure out what happened with the Heller claim yet?"

Peridot peeled her face away from the computer, turned and looked at Carl, her supervisor. A balding, middle-aged middle manager, straight out of central casting, complete with monotone voice, false sincerity and a pinched weasel smile.

"Looking at it right now," Peridot groaned, reluctantly sitting up.

"Looks like you're thinking about dozing off," Carl chided. 

"It's 9:42 on a Monday morning, Carl," Peridot snapped. "Gimme a break." 

She realized how she sounded, but didn't care. 

"Fair enough," Carl said, licking his lips nervously. "But, um, that claim's been on your desk for two weeks and it's still not been..."

Peridot sighed and closed her eyes. She took a few deep breaths, preparing to recite a story she'd told a million times already, without completely losing her mind in the process.

"This whole thing is completely messed up," she sighed, brushing a strand of hair back from her forehead, then turning back to her computer. "See, this woman - she has another company as the primary insurance and us as the secondary, so we pick up anything they don't pay. Problem is, this woman had physical therapy beyond the number of therapy visits we allow...which is allowed under their primary insurance. Following me so far?"

Carl folded his arms, obviously miffed at Peridot's condescension.

Peridot didn't care. She was on a roll and no amount of managerial scowling would stop her now. She allowed herself a quick smile before continuing. 

"Now, awhile back Ms. Heller's doctor sent us a special authorization so that we'd pick up the remaining amount beyond the limit. Problem is, these claims keep getting denied and bounced back to us because some lazy, inconsiderate clod in billing did the easy, obvious thing and refused payment. So I have to send an email complete with all the reference numbers, the denial codes and a faxed copy of the original authorization  **and hope**  that the billing clods actually look at what I send them and fix it."

Carl's body swayed back and forth in obvious agitation as Peridot spoke. Peridot hoped the point was sinking in. At this point, though, she didn't much care, and would content herself with needling her manager. 

"And do you want to know the best part?" she explained. "This batch of claims might get resolved if someone's paying attention to it. But then a new bunch gets sent in a few weeks down the road. And lo and behold, the process starts again! And maybe you can see, now, why I haven't been able to magically resolve this problem." 

Carl stared at her for a moment, uncertain how to react. Finally, he said quietly:

"Copy me on the email and I'll make sure it gets done."

Then he walked away from the desk without saying any more. 

"Wow, thanks," Peridot muttered, rolling her eyes.

She sighed, looking away from the computer for a moment towards her cubicle wall. Her favorite photograph of her and Lapis at Beach City, she in a green one-piece suit, Lapis in a blue-and-white bikini top, being dorky and happy together on a sunny summer day.

And as she stared, Ms. Heller's complaint faded to the back of her mind. And Peridot sighed, wondering whether her situation now was really any kind of improvement. Wondering whether unemployment was really such a bad thing.

Then she pulled up her shirt sleeve and looked at one of her scars, long since healed over but still visible. She rubbed it subconsciously, banishing the thought from her mind.

 _Well, that's adulthood,_  she thought again.  _Damned if you do, damned if you don't._

She started rocking back and forth in the chair, feeling a flush of despair. Hoping that her meds would be enough to keep it from blossoming into something worse. 

Only the sight of Lapis staring at her from the photograph on her wall kept her emotions in check. 

Peridot focused her gaze on her girlfriend long enough to fight down the feelings of anger and despair. Took some deep breaths to clear her head. Then turned back to the computer and began typing. 

 _Just make it until Friday,_  she told herself as she began to work.  _Then Lapis won't be a memory anymore._

* * *

It had been four months since that magical night in Lapis's apartment when the two girls admitted their feelings for each other. When they bared their souls and made love and officially became a couple. It had already crystallized in her memory, all the awful emotions and fears she felt in the moment dissipating into something simple and pure. 

Yet dating Lapis Lazuli was more complicated than that. As she should have expected it to be. 

Their arrangement didn't change drastically. Peridot would come up once every other weekend and the two would spend the weekend together. The normal nerd stuff: watching movies and  _Camp Pining Hearts_ , arguing about annoyances of everyday life, sharing fears and emotions and dreams that they couldn't discuss with anyone else. 

 

It was all pleasant, all cozy and familiar. And for Peridot, at least, familiarity wasn't a bad thing. She liked having a routine, a schedule, something she could plan and anticipate. She liked knowing what lie ahead, at least in the immediate future. Having a job again, along with the money and self-esteem that went along with it, helped too, adding structure to what had been an aimless, empty life.

Whether Lapis felt the same way, of course, was another matter entirely. 

At first, Lapis acted like a huge weight had been lifted off her chest. She had more energy to do things, in and outside the apartment. (She once took Peridot jogging, which resulted in the petite blonde collapsing into a sweaty, breathless, cramp-legged mess in the park cursing that she'd never exercise again.) Sometimes they even left Capitol City and went to Beach City or Bayburg or somewhere else they could pretend they were on vacation. She drew more, though increasingly her girlfriend seemed to be her favorite subject. She laughed more easily, smiled without hesitation, walked or even ran with a childlike  _lightness_  in her step that Peridot had never seen, even back in college. Just seemed to be enjoying life a lot more. 

And Peridot loved the New Lapis. Maybe it was because Lapis, like Peridot, was still in the first, fresh bloom of love, when everything seems new and exciting. Maybe not having Jasper around any longer allowed her to embrace the happier side of life. Maybe getting her old job back, and resolving the nightmare with Aquamarine and Holly Blue, helped as well. Probably some combination of all those things. 

But it didn't last. And maybe Peridot shouldn't have expected it to. 

After a month or so, Lapis's mood shifted closer to normal.

She, too, reverted back to routine, to formality. She grew more reserved, more lackadaisical. She barely drew. She didn't seem to eat much or take care of her hair and nails (not that Peridot  _cared_  that much...but she certainly noticed). There was an emptiness to their interactions that wasn't there before.

A distance sprung up between them. And it radiated sadness that Peridot couldn't help contracting.

And Peridot went through the motions of acting like everything was fine. Not challenging Lapis or trying to poke through her gloom. Just being there. But sometimes that didn't seem to be enough.

One night in August, as they climbed into bed together, Peridot finally reached her limit.

She noticed how detached Lapis seemed, how distant. How robotic she seemed in enacting basic intimacy. Like sleeping with her girlfriend was a punishment, not a pleasure. 

"Lapis...can we talk?" Her voice came out a whisper, almost a squeak. 

Lapis fluffed her pillow and rolled over on her side, without looking at Peridot. 

"Sure. What about?"

"You seem...Are you okay?"

Lapis stared at her blankly for a minute, then turned away and laid back without answering.

"Are you...going through a thing? Everything okay at work? Anything you need to talk about?"

Peridot prodded gently, not wanting to cause an explosion. But Lapis didn't say anything.

"I mean, I'm here," she said, putting a hand on Lapis's. And let it at that.

Lapis looked down at Peridot's hand, then clenched it with her own. And smiled. 

"I'm just...life feels so empty, you know?" she said finally. 

"No, I don't. Explain it to me."

Lapis laid back in the bed, putting her hands behind her head and staring at the ceiling. 

"Like, everything's pretty good I guess in my day-to-day life," she admitted. "Better than they've been for awhile, actually. I mean, if nothing else I have you."

The two shared a smile, but it only lasted a second. 

"But, you know, I look at the world around me and...I still feel like I'm wasting my life."

"Welcome to my life," Peridot said. Then snapped her mouth shut, feeling like saying that seemed flippant. 

"Like, imagine being a kid and thinking your end goal in life is to work in a library. Isn't that totally lame? Can you imagine that? What kind of person makes that their dream? And really, what do I contribute to the world? When everything is so fucked up - I mean,  _everything_. Culture, politics, the media, the environment - like, you know, every fucking thing in the world. Just makes me sick thinking I'm worried about my own little pathetic problems when all this shit is going down, you know?"

"Try dealing with all that when you've got a miserable job that's 95 percent identical to the one that drove you insane in the first place. It's a vicious cycle." 

"Oh, I'm not saying your job  _isn't_  shitty," Lapis assured her. "It totally is...I'm just, that's not what I mean. Like, I do enjoy my job most days. Or at least tolerate it. I mean, can you really enjoy work?"

"The job hasn't been invented

"But I mean...I just can't feel content outside of work. Like I should be doing  _something_  with my spare time instead of just relaxing and watching Netflix." 

"And eating me out." 

"Yes, that too."  

Peridot started to reassure her, then decided to let her talk. 

"Sapphire suggested that I join this LGBTQ group with her and Ruby," Lapis added. "Like, she thought that might help me connect with some other people like us, network and maybe do some good."

"Not a bad idea," Peridot said. "I mean, I have my book club...Being around people like us is important."

"Yeah, definitely!" Lapis agreed. 

"I was in a Gay-Straight Alliance in school," Peridot continued, a little proud of the memory. "It was nice. I was their treasurer senior year."

"Of  _course_  you were."

Peridot ignored the jab. "Made me feel like I belonged somewhere when I was still, you know, working everything out. And that was so important...Especially then."

"Yeah. It's a bit more than that, though...I mean, they're an advocacy group."

"What kind of advocacy?"

"Well, they do work for gay and trans rights. Hold rallies, circulate petitions, write articles, raise funds, visit congresspeople...it has the potential to be really exciting and important."

Peridot noticed how Lapis's eyes lit up as she said this. And she couldn't help smiling for her girlfriend. 

"I mean, if nothing else, it'll help me feel...like I'm doing something, you know?" Lapis said, almost pleading. "Like I'm not just wasting my life. Like it matters. Like  ***I***  matter."

"I'm sorry that I can't make you feel that way," Peridot said quietly, feeling hurt. 

"I don't mean that, Perry, and you know it," Lapis said with a frown. 

"No, you're right," Peridot apologized. "I mean, it's cool that you want to get involved in stuff like that. Personally, I try to avoid politics as best I can. I can't even see the Orange One's face on television without freaking out any more. It's too infuriating, and I don't feel like I can do any more than I did right now."

"Well, things run a lot deeper than just  _him_ ," Lapis responded. "Systematic homophobia and sexism and racism and inequality didn't start in November 2016."

"That's true."  

"So...I mean, I'm not expecting my contribution to make much of a difference. I'm only one person, after all...and a queer woman with a meh-paying job at that. But if I can do  _something_..."

She sighed and closed her eyes, her mind working to diminish her own enthusiasm. 

"At the very least, I guess I could draw things for them. Signs and posters and media design stuff."

Peridot examined her girlfriend and noted her defeated posture, her sad, empty expression. 

"Even if that were all you did," Peridot assured her, "that would actually be totally awesome." 

Lapis scratched her head. "Really?"

"Yeah!" Peridot said, practically leaping out of bed with excitement. "I mean, every group has to have somebody do little things like that. And it can make a difference. You get to use your talent for a good cause. Why not? I can totally see you rocking the most inclusive queer-focused protest art imaginable."

Lapis's face registered a skeptical smile.

"You're not just saying that to be nice."

Peridot raised an eyebrow. "Lazuli. Do I ever say anything just to be nice?"

Lapis snorted and laughed, then reached over and ruffled Peridot's hair.

"Fair point."

The two lay side-by-side without moving, or saying a word for the next several minutes.

It wasn't quite That Night, but it was something. 

* * *

So Lapis dreamed of changing the world. And here Peridot sat, spending all week trying to fix Ms. Heller's inscrutable medical bill.

When she'd finally finished typing the email and appending all the necessary files and reference numbers, she turned away from the computer and rested her head on her desk. And sighed audibly, listening to the clicking of other workers' keyboards, the ringing of phones, the banging of the air conditioner and Carl trading stale jokes with another coworker. 

She took advantage of the lull to check her phone. A spam robot call, a text from her mom asking if she wanted anything from Subway for dinner.

More interestingly, a text from Pearl:

 _PERIDOT - Are you joining us for Book Club tomorrow night? If so, make sure you finish Chapter 8 of_ Picnic at Hanging Rock _before you stop by._

Peridot rolled her eyes at that one.  _This isn't homework, Pearl_ , she thought to herself. Besides which, she'd finished the book a week ago, and watched the movie besides.

She looked down instinctively at her desk, a collection of Ray Bradbury short stories she was revisiting. Right now she thought about the one where a group of Martians invade Earth, only to find the Earthlings surrendering without a fight. Soon the Martians succumb to the sloth and greed and gluttony rampant on Earth, their invasion being thwarted by their own inability to adapt. 

For some reason, that story resonated with her right now. 

And a Facebook notification from Lapis. She practically choked on her own spit when she read what her girlfriend had posted:

_"Art is not a mirror to hold up to society, but a hammer with which to shape it." - Leon Trotsky_

Peridot snickered at that, wondering what kind of crazy woman she was dating right now. She was used to seeing Lapis post articles from Jezebel and The Nation on her page lately, or to advertise for LGBTQ events and feminist rallies; she'd really gotten into her politics.

But quoting Trotsky? That was a new one on her. Though she figured it could be worse...it could be Stalin.

She had just put her phone down when she heard Carl clear his throat behind her. 

"Did you get my email?" she said, not bothering to turn around.

"I'm wondering why you're looking at your phone instead of your computer screen," he said, voice dripping with a bureaucrat's anodyne menace.  

Peridot showily picked up her phone and held down the power button until it turned off. Then she threw it in her desk drawer.

"Anything else?" 

"I think you need to work on your attitude," Carl said flatly. Not a threat, just a statement of fact. 

"I think you need to let me do my work without hovering over my shoulder like you're my goddamn mother," Peridot snapped back.

"You keep that language up, Ms. Forster, and you'll be on thin ice soon enough." 

Peridot finally turned to her manager and shot him the most forced, insincere smile in the history of the world.

"I'm sorry," she said. "From now on, I'll try and be a better employee. Now, about my email...?"

Carl didn't know how to respond to sarcasm. So he just made a huffy noise and walked away from the cubicle.

Stupid baldy prick, Peridot thought to herself, staring at her screen and looking for. 

About a minute later, a new email arrived with several attachment. It was cc'd to Peridot's big boss:

_Peridot,_

_These claims just came in and need completed as soon as possible. All denials of fentanyl prescriptions...please determine why they were denied and how we can resolve these in the future. Thank you._

_Regards,_

_Carl Snyder_

Peridot gritted her teeth and slammed her fist down on her desk. Upon this display of managerial pettiness she wondered if Lapis, and Comrade Trotsky, had the right idea after all.

Then, as the anger and incredulity faded, she forced herself to take several deep, heavy breaths to steady herself. Then opened the first claim

 _Just wait until Friday,_  she told herself through clenched teeth.  _Just make it until Friday._


	3. Consultation

Ordinarily, book club was one of the highlights in Peridot's life. Second only, of course, to Lapis. 

She liked reading, though really she enjoyed criticizing books a lot more. And more than _that_ , she enjoyed having an audience receptive to her thoughts and analysis. It was one of the few times she could put her particular set of skills to some use, outside of internet articles which two people read. 

And, she had to admit...she liked spending time with these girls. She liked Pearl's uptight orderliness and Amethyst's argumentative oblivious. The screaming matches they got into over the pettiest, silliest things were both hilarious and exhausting. She even liked Garnet, who usually just sat there and watched the madness unfold with a detached, tolerant smile.

Maybe _especially_ Garnet. Because all that made it easier to appreciate how down-to-earth she seemed, puncturing the nonsense with a pithy remark or well-timed observation. And because she helped Peridot with her career stuff. 

And she liked having people her own age to hang out with. People who were queer and not ashamed of it, a rarity in stuffy Jones Bluff. And more generally, she liked not being _alone_ all the time (parents, however understanding and loving, don't really count once you reach a certain age). 

Tonight though, as Pearl and Amethyst screamed at each other over _Picnic at Hanging Rock_ 's opaque imagery and open-ended atmospherics, Peridot barely paid attention. She was too much in her own head, swimming as it was with stress and worry. 

So she sat there as Pearl and Amethyst traded insults. 

"... **Obviously** Irma's lack of memory is a red herring designed to distract us from the lack of solution."

"Irma couldn't remember anything because of whatever happened at the Rock. If she remembers anything the whole story unravels. Duh!"

"No duh, Amethyst! The whole point is that there _isn't_ a solution..."

"There **is** one, the author's just  hiding it from us. Nobody just writes a book without answers, P."

"As always, you miss the point..."

"As _always_ , you act like a stuck-up **bitch** who thinks she knows everything..."

"You're _impossible_ to discuss literature with! You only go for the most obvious readings."

"You're the one who insists there isn't a solution to the mystery rather than bothering to think about it." 

"Why do I keep inviting you to these things?"

"...Because I _live_ here? And because I'm _great_ company."  

"That is a matter of opinion." 

"But books obviously aren't..."

Peridot sat there sullen, quiet, detached, resting her head in her hands. Even the escalating insults and profanity didn't seem to arouse her insults. She sat under a cloud. 

Only Garnet seemed to notice, occasionally shooting her a concerned look across the room. Finally, as Pearl and Amethyst squared up against each other for another round, she stood up and clapped her hands together.

"All right, I think we need to take a break," she said in a calm but firm voice, clapping her hands together. "Pearl, Amethyst, take five and cool off a little."

"I won't cool off!" Pearl yelled. "Not while she's here. She's just...impossible."

"And you're just a bitch!" Amethyst screamed back. "An ungrateful, stuck-up, selfish hoity-toity..."

"That's enough," Garnet ordered, her voice loud and forceful. But the others ignored her. 

"Ungrateful? For what?" Pearl demanded.

"Seriously?" Amethyst challenged, drawing close enough to stick a finger in Pearl's face. Peridot noticed her anger fading into a hurt expression. 

"You wanna get into this **now**?" Amethyst began. Her voice seemed more subdued, quieter, though still tinged with anger. "You wanna have this argument tonight? Here? In front of everyone? You want me to draw everyone a picture?"

It took Pearl a moment to realize what Amethyst meant. Her anger faded, and her face suddenly blanched with embarrassment. 

"N-no," she stammered, her eyes darting to Garnet, then over to Peridot. Then she lowered her head and bit her lip before forcing herself to say the words:

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah?" Amethyst said, her voice almost a whisper. "So am I. Sorry that I ever thought..."

And she let the thought trail off before stalking upstairs, clenching her fists and slamming the door. 

"...What was **that** about?" Peridot asked after a moment.

Pearl, looking heartbroken, clenched her hand over her mouth and sat down on the couch. She seemed about to cry.

Garnet, her face twitching nervously, walked over to Peridot and grabbed her shoulder. 

"Peridot, join me in the kitchen, please," she said. 

Peridot looked over at Pearl, who sat on the couch, looking broken and ashamed. She sighed and put her head in her hands. 

Upstairs, Amethyst played loud, thudding rock music on her stereo. 

"Sure thing," Peridot said, following Garnet into the kitchen.

* * *

On the couch, Pearl started rocking back and forth. She could hear her friends chatting with each other, but didn't pay attention. She was too busy beating herself up.

 _You stupid, hurtful imbecile_ , she thought, putting her head between her knees, looking down at the couch.

_Why do you always have to treat Amethyst like that? Why can't you just accept that she's not you? _

_Why can't you just accept her for who she **is**?_

Pearl felt sick. Because there wasn't a good answer to that question. Except the obvious one.

 _You only treat her like that because you hate yourself,_ Pearl's brain told her. _You're just a brittle, brainy bully. Because you need to pick on someone else._

_Even if it's your best friend._

_Even if it's someone who loves you..._

Pearl shook her head violently and let out a strangled cry as the word "love" crossed her consciousness. She punched the side of the couch as hard as she could, banishing the thought from her mind. Then bit herself on the knuckle, hard.

 _You do **not** love Amethyst, and she doesn't love you,_ Pearl insisted to herself. _You can't._

_You've tried loving someone...And it doesn't work. They'll only find a way to hurt you._

_If you don't hurt yourself first._

 

Then she noticed that she'd bitten hard enough to draw blood. She drew her hand away from her mouth and shook it, hoping to cast the pain away. 

Then she collapsed face down on the couch, broken but not able to cry. Just silent, sad, still. 

Empty. 

* * *

 

"Don't know what's going on with those two," Garnet apologized. "They've been like this for the past few days."

"Yeah," Peridot said, awkwardly rubbing the back of her neck. "I mean, they always argue and fight but this was...This seemed different. More intense." 

"I haven't seen them fight this bad since Pearl broke up with Rose," Garnet admitted.

As she said that, Garnet stopped for a moment, as if turning over a thought in her mind. Looked over at Pearl for a second. Then, whatever she'd been thinking, dismissed it.

"Anyway," Garnet said, turning to Peridot. "What about you? How have things been for you?"

"Miserable as always," Peridot grumbled, folding her arms. 

"Arguing with your bosses again?"

"What do you expect? Those clods treat me like I'm some punk fresh out of high school."

"Well, it is an entry level job and you're just starting there," Garnet reminded her. "And I really hope you don't call your boss a clod."

"I've called him worse."

"Hmm. Well, that's not the smartest idea..."

"Garnet, I know that!" Peridot said, suddenly exploding in frustration. "You think I do it for fun? You know what happened at my last job, right? I tried holding everything in and drove me insane. Drove me to hurt myself and... Drove me...to places I never, ever want to be again." 

She subconsciously rubbed her forearm as she said these last words, looking down at the floor in shame.

"Well, I understand that," Garnet said gingerly, approaching her friend. "And sometimes you need to vent. But maybe...maybe you could find ways to vent that _don't_ involve cursing at your employer."

Peridot shot her a skeptical look that turned to downcast misery.  

"I don't know what to do," she admitted. "I mean, this is a basic entry-level job in a field I've already spent **years** working in. I should _know_ how to handle it by now. If I can't do this job..."

Garnet pursed her lips and sighed. She gestured for Peridot to sit down at the kitchen table. Tried to think, though Amethyst's music made it hard. 

"How's your writing going?"

Peridot let her hands dropped, then let out a weird, strangled chortle. But she didn't smile. 

" **What** writing?"

Garnet frowned. "Well, you told me you were still submitting pieces to different magazines..."

"Yeah, but...No one's biting. Nothing since the first article a few months ago. Not even a follow-up or an inquiry or a 'Your writing sucks, leave us alone'."

"Well, it's only been a few months..." Garnet tried to reassure her.

Peridot grumbled something under her breath. 

"Do you still post on your blog?"

"Occasionally. Not much lately."

"Hmm." Garnet's expression became worried. She didn't like to play the psychologist - it was outside her purview - but Peridot wasn't really giving her much choice. 

"Have you...lost interest in writing?" she asked gingerly. 

Peridot looked up at her, confused. 

"What?"

"Do you still _want_ to write? Is that still something you try and do when you can? Even if it isn't published?" 

Peridot stared thoughtfully for a moment. 

"No," she said quietly.

"Well, that's what matters," Garnet said, trying to reassure her friend. 

"But I've had trouble...I just can't..." Peridot sputtered. "I don't know if I'd call it writer's block or what, just...Why bother? What difference does it make? The world **clearly** doesn't need another article about Percy and Pierre's perfect compatibility..."

Garnet nodded. "I would imagine there's a finite level of interest in _Camp Pining Hearts_..." 

Peridot looked at Garnet like she'd killed Peridot's puppy.

"Yeah..." she growled. "But what else can I write about?"

"You like graphic novels, yeah? Superhero stuff? Why not write about that?"

"I have."

"And?"

"No better luck." 

"I'm a bit surprised. It's not like superheroes are out of fashion."

"No. I'm betting it's the opposite problem. Too much saturation. Too many Marvel movies and DC dungheaps and TV spin-offs and cartoons to keep track of! Nobody needs another thinkpiece about why Iron Man is objectively ten times better than Batman." 

"Maybe," Garnet shrugged. "I don't know much about the publishing world. But I'd wager if you wrote something like that, you'd attract _some_ readers."

Peridot scratched her head again. "I guess..."

"What's important though is to keep writing," Garnet told her. "It's your biggest strength and something you really like doing. Even if it's just a diary or something like that, it's fine. Get your thoughts down on paper. Doesn't matter if anyone reads it. If it matters to you, it matters."

Garnet showed her friend a warm, sincere smile. And Peridot couldn't help returning it.

"Wow, thanks," she said again. 

"Anytime. I know it's hard to believe in yourself sometimes, but...You deserve to be happy."

"Doesn't always feel that way."

Garnet decided to try another tack.

"How's Lapis?"

Peridot raised an eyebrow.

"Well, I think you'd like her a lot more these days than before." 

"Why's that?"

"Well, she's posting quotes by Trotsky and Fannie Lou Hamer on her Facebook...She's really digging into her activism thing. Maybe a little too much for my taste."

"Didn't know you were dating a communist," Garnet teased.

"A Trotskyite at that," Peridot bantered. 

"The worst kind of bourgeois deviationist," Garnet continued.

"Could be worse. Could have been a _Stalin_ quote." 

And the two girls chuckled lightly. Making Peridot feel the evening hadn't been a complete waste, after all. 

"Well, thus ends the free consultation," Garnet said. "If we want to talk more career stuff, make another appointment. I'll be happy to do this, but like a good capitalist I prefer being paid for it."

"Some social justice warrior _you_ are," Peridot grumbled. 

"More like a social justice mercenary," Garnet joked. Then she placed a hand on Peridot's shoulder. 

"Just keep your head up, Peridot. You're an extraordinary person. I see great potential in you. Just...try to go a few days without insulting your boss. That usually doesn't go over so well."

And a wave of gratitude washed over Peridot. She looked at Garnet and forced a smile.

"No promises," she said, before sticking out her tongue. 

Garnet grimaced and shook her head. She'd almost gotten through to Peridot. 

* * *

Amethyst turned up her music as loud as she could, jamming out to Pantera and Led Zeppelin until she was exhausted. Dancing and lip synching until her clothes were wet and heavy with perspiration and her limbs sore and cramped. Needing to drown out her rage and disappointment towards Pearl.

Finally she turned on some lighter tunes and laid back on her bed, feeling the sweat roll down her hair and neck onto her blanket.

The music helped a little, but she remained upset. Her anger gave way to sadness, to the usual hole inside her. The old feeling that somehow she wasn't good enough to be **anyone** 's friend, let alone someone like Pearl.

 _You can't let that bitch use you anymore_ , Amethyst told herself, adopting a belligerent attitude to mask her pain. _If she's gonna treat you like that...She doesn't deserve your love. Or your friendship. Or your company. You can't be her booty call any time she's feeling down and lonely any more. Not unless she gets with the program._

_You are too good for that. You are Amethyst Marquez, a tough, scrappy, hard-working woman who has worth and value. And nobody, especially not fucking Pearl, should make you feel otherwise._

And thinking **that** made Amethyst feel good. And she felt good for awhile, as she finished listening to music and took a quick shower, until she was ready to sleep.

Then, laying there in the dark, she felt lonely. And afraid.

Afraid that Pearl, with all her flaws, was the only person she could feel comfortable with.

Afraid that driving away Pearl would doom her to loneliness forever.

Afraid that...

_No. I am not in **love** with Pearl. Don't even  think that, you stupid bitch. _

_Pearl still wants to fuck Rose. You're just a poor substitute._

The thought made Amethyst sick to her stomach. The fact that she was right, at least about Rose, didn't make her feel better.

Still, she managed not to cry. Instead she just laid there and consoled herself that she was better than Pearl. 

 


End file.
